the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
