my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
