So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
