i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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