we made out on top of his cat.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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