I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
