So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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