To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
