I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
