New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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