I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
