just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
