well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
