she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
