My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
