I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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