At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
