I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
