I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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