I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
