you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
