i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
