What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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