Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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