I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
my poor anus
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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