I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
