I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I see more hoeing in ur future
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