Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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