i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
