you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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