Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
cat food counts as protein by the way
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
