I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
