remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
