I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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