then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
