He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
