I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
