I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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