I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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