i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
