there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
