so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
