you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
