Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
