I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
