Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she peed on how many people?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
