I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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