Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
