I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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