So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
