i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
