I want you more than these girls want KFC
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
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I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
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She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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