I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
