did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
