yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
