I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
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Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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