Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
