Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
