ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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