Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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